~KooKOoMoMo~

“Not smart, couldn't cook well too...”

(When she's going for school excursion, I helped her made kimbap. Her classmates all said that her mom was really good at cooking. Our Ha Ni couldn't bring herself to tell her classmates her mother is no longer around but she cried when she reached home. Seung Jo-ah, can you love her more on behalf of my wife?)

“She's very careless and silly at times.”

(There are certain things that are not convenient to tell her father. Many things I only found after it happened. So I always felt sorry towards Ha Ni. Seung Jo-ah, please care for her more. Sorry for falling in love with our not-outstanding Ha Ni and thank you for accepting all the shortcomings of Ha Ni.)




I felt the feeling of a father through his tears. Bearing the loneliness alone. Taking the responsibility to bring up the child all alone but still always worrying about not doing enough. I felt all these at that moment.

“Even so she's still very cheerful and if there's something that she thinks it's right, she will be determine to do it. This is why this kid is cute. I agree, because Ha Ni likes you very much!”

Thank you for approving us to be together. Maybe what Ha Ni has only that little but that's all that I'm lack of. Ha Ni who has everything that I'm lack of, I'll give her 100 marks for it. So, I will work hard.

Although I have no idea what is tacking from a father like you, but I will do my best to love her. Thank you once again for handing Ha Ni to me.




“Ha Ni, great, great! Baek Seung Jo, that's really awesome!”

Indeed that's Mom. Words from my mouth isn't the fact. Always understand other people's words in her own ways. But it's all because of Mom. Because of Mom, I always warn myself not to open my heart to others easily.

You always interfere my life as you wish. But today, I want to forgive you for everything. Because of you, I get to know Ha Ni. Also because of you, I'm able to face my true feelings about falling in love with Ha Ni, the thought of wanting her tight to me.




Hugging you in my arms carefully.

“What happens?”

Keep smiling like this, your smile is like a lamp that brightens up my heart. My lover who is warm as spring, are you willing to use your smile to keep my warm no matter when or where?

“What?”
“I'm just worried that when I wake up tomorrow, you will turn back into the cold Baek Seung Jo.”
“So, want to sleep together tonight?”

You want me to reconfirm for you, reconfirm my true feeling, reconfirm that all this is true and is not a dream.

“I really can't believe it...that you will like me!”
“Me too!”

Actually, when the time that we both know nothing, the love have already started burning. The silly you who doesn't understand love, the silly me who doesn't understand love...

The thing you said tonight and your smile have already burnt into my heart. This is the first time I accept my true feeling. Also the first time that I met love.



Okay. I understand all your uneasiness. All these happen so suddenly. Till yesterday, I'm still so cold towards you, suddenly saying I like you today. But you silly girl, you just live to look at me closely, letting down all your self-conscious. Open your eyes and look closely at me, I think you will be able to feel it.

You will realize I'm doing everything that you want me to, I'm trying to fill up the missing parts in your life. Silly, although I'm also smiling like you. Thank you love, thank you for your long wait. Thank you for not giving up on me.




Thank you Yoon Hae Ra. To you, I don't want to apologize. Because I know you are really alike with me. Our alikeness makes me feel comfortable. But this comfortable feeling isn't enough to fill up what's missing in my life. I keep telling myself how compatible you are with me but whenever I think of you, it's like looking at myself in the mirror. All I can feel is a piece of cold glass when I put out my hand.




Sorry Bong Joon Gu. I know you have done a lot all these time for your love but I can't leave Ha Ni. She makes me angry,makes me smile. Sometimes, she makes me panic. She also makes me feel absurd at times, but that's what makes me feel that I'm really alive. Maybe for others, it's easy to feel it. But for me, the feelings are already buried deep in me. So deep that I don't even know it exists, till Ha Ni woke it up. Snatching Ha Ni who are really precious to you, I'm really sorry. But I will treasure her, protect her on behalf of you.




“What should I do? Academic points are not enough! I'm really not suitable for studying. Why not I just stop here?”

Looking at Ha Ni saying that she doesn't want to study anymore disappointed me a little.

“When all others around you are doing their best to study for their academic points, what are you doing? Have you thought about your future? Going to school without your brain everyday, that's why you even calculated wrongly. Causing the lack of it now!”

The kid who always do her best for everything, what happen to her? Maybe because of the worries, harsh words just came out of my mouth.

“So giving up studies just because of the lack of points? Someone like you, other than your will power, what else do you have? The Oh Ha Ni like this is not attractive at all!”

I only wanted to tell you, just work a little harder. Just try harder.
You said loudly, “I might be going to other guys!”

What? Other guys? I told you not to say you like other guys! Have you forgotten about it? Suddenly a gush of heat appeared.

You still have the courage? Bong Joon Gu? Or Sunbae? If you can go to other guys, can we still come so far? Isn't it because that no matter how hard we tried, we only have each other in our eyes that able us to come till this far? Coming to and fro like this so many times, and you still say things like that so easily...

“Up to you!” I said what I didn't mean and walked out.




Ha Ni didn't come home last night. Someone seems to have said before, if you love someone, you have to give up half of yourself. But I selfishly hope that I can keep the other half and say all the harsh words to you. Why can't I express myself properly in front of you?

Regrets and worries are making me not able to stay calm. It's okay, you have so many friends, definetely will be at one of their home. Must be. I can only comfort my tortured heart like this.
Couldn't call you. I could only keep staring at my phone. The image of you at a certain alley withstanding the cold weather keeps appearing in my mind and so my eyes keep looking out of the window unknowingly.




“Because you are not going to look for Ha Ni, even I also want to leave this house! But since it's already like this, just let us settle it ourselves, this is for Ha Ni's good. But...do you know? Feelings are not like an exam question that only have one answer although I myself doesn't know what is the correct answer.”

Yes Mom. I also have no idea what is the correct answer. I think Ha Ni doesn't know it as well. That's why she's so lost. But we still have to go look for it isn't it? If we are going to find out ourselves, we will have to put in effort. Can't give up no matter how hard it is, can't run away from it no matter how tiring it might be. This is suppose to be something Ha Ni is best at, Ha Ni's good point.

But recently, Ha Ni always only wants to rely on me. This is worrying me. I hope that it's not me pulling Ha Ni forward. I hope that we can both move forward side by side. I think Ha Ni will be able to figure out the answer soon. We shouldn't be in an unbalance relationship. We should be covering up for the stuff that either of us is lacking of, then bringing ourselves forward, isn't it?

So please Ha Ni. Please stay strong. Love yourself more. Be a little more independent!

*****
(Below is the edited version of the part about Ha Ni running away from home. Written for those who couldn't understand Baek Seung Jo's feelings.)

[Note: This editted version is not by the scripwritter. It's just editted by the writter of the diary. This does not represent the idea of the original scripwritter. It's only the point of view of the author of this diary]



Ha Ni sitting alone under the lamp in the park. Bad guy Baek Seung Jo! I only wish that you can comfort me, saying 'Ha Ni, it's okay, just try harder' will do. Only need you to say that...

Seung Jo went after Ha Ni with her jacket, searching for Ha Ni. Seeing her sitting there, worried that she'll be cold and wanted to go over to put on her jacket for her. Ha Ni stood up suddenly and went off. Seung Jo can only follow behind her.

Seeing drunkards getting near to Ha Ni, Seung Jo was about to go over to protect her. But when he saw that even though Ha Ni is in shock but she's still looking around. He quickly hides behind a pillar.

Seung Jo: That's right Ha Ni. Don't be afraid. Just have to find the right path. You will definetely be able to do it!

Ha Ni suddenly walking away as if she thought of something. Seung Jo continues to follow her. Stars shine on both of them. Ha Ni who arrives home seems like she's in deep thought for the whole night, not being able to fall asleep.

Went out early in the morning without saying a thing. Seung Jo went into Ha Ni's room once he woke up but couldn't find Ha Ni there. Seung Jo quickly went downstairs to look for Ha Ni.

Seung Jo: Mom, where's Ha Ni?
Mom: She didn't come downstairs. Should be still in bed?
Seung Jo: She's not in her room!
Mom: Really? Where have she been so early? Is it because of your lecture last night she left the house?

This moment Ha Ni is already at the library. Table filled with books about future planning. Seung Jo who's worried for Ha Ni went around looking for her but still couldn't find her. She wouldn't answer her phone as well. Seung Jo who went right to Ha Ni's room once he got home but to find out that she's still not home.

Late at night, in order to wait for Ha Ni, Seung Jo walking to and fro outside their home. Seung Jo went to Ha Ni's room once the sun rise but she's still not back yet. Ha Ni went to the employment centre, listening to the reports about youth entrepreneurs. Seung Jo can only go look for her friends.

Seung Jo: You guys have any idea what have Ha Ni been doing recently?
Ju Ri: She didn't call us recently. You who are staying in the same house as her doesn't know, how would others have known?
Min Ah: Baek Seung Jo, last time it's Ha Ni looking for you everyday. Now it's your turn to look for her?

Seung Jo face turns red and walk away quickly. 'Oh Ha Ni, where are you?!'

Second day morning, Baek Seung Jo who still couldn't find Ha Ni stop eating anymore, place his spoon down and stood up.

Mom: You are not eating?
Seung Jo: No appetite.
Mom: Seung Jo-ah, lost your appetite because Ha Ni's not around?
Eung Jo: The two of them talking secretly at the balcony every night, now that Ha Ni's not around, Hyung looks like he's dying.
Mom: Really? Ha Ni, well done!!

Mom thought happily. Ha Ni is doing some character test on the computer, looking at the test result, Ha Ni nodding her head, keep making the 'hmmm' sounds!

Just then, a message came in, “I'm hungry, let's have lunch together!”

Ha Ni: Didn't meet for a few days, what has you got to lose to say 'I miss you'!

Another message came, “What were you doing these few days?”

Ha Ni: This means that he misses me right? Kekeke...silly!

Ha Ni walks towards the canteen full of smile. The two of them sitting side by side with coffee in their hands.

Ha Ni: Not asking me what was I doing for the past few days?
Seung Jo: Didn't I ask in the message?
Ha Ni: Does that mean that you miss me? Why does it seem so to me?
Seung Jo: Heard it, silly. Worried that you didn't have your lunch that's why I send you the message.




Seung Jo: What do you plan to do in future?
Ha Ni: Leaving you the past few days made me realize how childish I am. Making your life so difficult. Seems like I only think about myself.




Seung Jo: So have you decided after thinking through it?
Ha Ni: What do I really want to do, I really think about it for a long time. I read books, went to the employement centre, took the character test. But no matter how I think about it, I still want to do something that are able to assist you by your side, so I want to be a nurse!
Seung Jo: Seems like you not only thought about it, but also work very hard. So just do your best.




Seung Jo: Don't do this anymore. How many days have it been?
Ha Ni: You were saying you miss me? Right? I miss you too!
Seung Jo: I know. I know everything. I know you will come back to me like this, Oh Ha Ni!
Both of them walking hands in hands in the campus. Slowly there's only their voice can be heard.
Ha Ni: It's amazing that the character test I took tells me that nurse is very suitable for my character. Seems like it's a very suitable job for me! It's like the two of us were destined to be together!
Seung Jo: Really? Did it also says that you are very careless, and silly all that?
Ha Ni: No!
Seung Jo: Then maybe the result is wrong!
Ha Ni: Hey! (About to hit Seung Jo)

Seung Jo laughed and ran away. Till both their voices could not longer be heard.